With a name like Kong: Survivor Instinct you’d be forgiven for assuming that the titular gigantic ape would be the star of the show. After all, who doesn’t want to play as a huge hairy ape beating the snot out of other massive creatures? Psych! Despite the name, Kong and his Titan pals are mostly background scenery that add up to just a few minutes of screen time across the 4-6 hours it takes to play through Kong: Survivor Instinct. But could that be a good thing? I mean, last year’s Skull Island: Rise of Kong let you play as the big boy and was terrible. The short answer is no, it’s not a good thing. While Kong: Survivor Instinct is a better game that Skull Island, it’s not by much.

So if you aren’t monkeying around (yes, Kong is an ape, but l’m not gonna let that get in the way of a joke) as Kong, what exactly are you doing? Set just after the events of Godzilla vs Kong, you play as David Martin who rushes to find his estranged daughter among the ruins of a city that is currently under attack from several massive creatures, including the mighty Kong. Along the way he encounters a mercenary group called the Hyenas and takes some of their mystery tech, pissing off the group which is led by Alan Jonah, a character last seen in Godzilla: King of the Monsters.

Available On: PC, Xbox, PlayStation, SwitchReviewed On: PS5Developed By: 7LevelsPublished By: 7Levels

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Look, the Monsterverse movies are not known for their stellar writing and strong characters. While they certainly have their moments, most people could not care less about humans and their drama. I say this so you can understand what I’m about to say to the fullest: Survivor Instinct is worse. It’s not that it’s terribly written – I’ve read a lot of shitty fanfiction, including 50 Shades of Grey – it’s just that there’s barely any story or characters anyway, and what’s there is blander than beige socks. David has no discernible personality and the few other humans he meets are instantly forgettable. Any semblance of plot comes mostly from optional documents, so if you don’t read those the story is that David wants to find his daughter, he climbs over a lot of stuff, and then the game abruptly ends in an unsatisfying manner.

You do, at least, get a look at some of the monsters that haven’t been featured in the movies, though, such as the horrifying Abbadon which should be nuked from space.

Speaking of climbing over stuff, let’s chat about the gameplay. Kong: Survivor Instinct is a 2.5D metroidvania, albeit a very simple one. David starts with simple skills like being able to jump 1ft off the ground and 1ft forward (I swear the man has concrete in his shoes) and is able to drag boxes around like a boss. Over the course of the game, David picks up some new tools to help out: a sledgehammer that’s equally good for hitting people and for breaking through walls; a grappling hook to reach awkward places; and a gun, for shooting faces and padlocks.

All of this is combined into some very basic, plodding platforming and puzzle solving. The most complex it gets is clambering up a few things to turn on a generator to open a door to get a crate to bust through a floor, or having to cycle between a few generators to open the right doors at the right time.

It’s not even that it’s bad – after all, it mechanically works and is solid, albeit very basic, design – it’s just that we’ve done all this hundreds of times. Except, we’ve done it in games that feel smoother and faster, that take those basic elements and build on them. Perhaps Kong: Survivor Instinct is aiming for a slower and more deliberate pace since David appears to be a middle-aged man, but that doesn’t stop it from feeling so sluggish, and the puzzles from feeling bland. There’s no challenge, no sense of gratification from figuring something out because it’s all so obvious. What you do in the first hour is largely identical to what you do in the sixth, just with a few extra steps.

Without a shadow of a doubt, the worst part of the game is the combat. David can block incoming attacks, dash to avoid bullets and grab enemies who are deflecting his strikes. It’s a basic selection of moves, none of which feel good because of how slow the game is. Ranged enemies get thrown into the mix, always coming in behind their comrades who will duck down so they can let off a shot. It’s like the world’s worst conga line. Thus, the basic combat loop is that you get in a hit or two to make the enemy block, grab them for another hit or two and then throw them toward the next foe. Time it right and the ranged enemy will shoot his pal in the back. One or two random new enemy types show up from time to time, like shield-bearers, but they add little to the experience.

It’s all so painfully slow and cumbersome, and becomes even worse when enemies come at you from both sides because the controls and mechanics just aren’t built for it. Each attack feels weak with no sense of impact. Thankfully, if you’re a good shot you can smack off enemy helmets and then gun them with with a quick headshot to end combat quicker.

Let’s circle back to the Titans, the hulking behemoths that we actually want to see in action. What do they do in the game? Well, two things: the first is that each segment is themed around one of the Titans, slowly building up to a clumsy chase sequence where you have to awkwardly run away from a rampaging monster as it wrecks the building around you. These sequences are certainly the most exciting moments in the entire game, but that’s a low bar to jump over. The biggest issue is that the movement isn’t smooth enough nor fast enough to make these chases enjoyable, so instead of running for your life it feels more like gently jogging away from a persistent salesmen waving a flyer.

The other time you get to see a Titan in action is when you deliberately summon one at the end of each section so that it will helpfully demolish an obstacle blocking your way. Scattered throughout the city are special biometric signals that you collect and then piece together in a clunky mini-game. You need to gather them all up in order lure the Titan to the area so that you can advance. Baiting them should feel like a big moment, but it really doesn’t – there’s very little sense of scale or power from these monsters. Nor is there any interactivity in these sequences, leaving you to numbly watch for a few seconds before you get back to dragging crates around.

I’m coming across as very harsh toward Kong: Survivor Instinct, so let me address that. You see, it’s not a truly bad game. I’ve played truly bad games and compared to those Survivor Instinct is like a sweet peck on the lips. But in some ways, it’s also worse than those terrible games because it’s boring. Horrible games and amazing games have something in common: they are interesting to experience. A truly god-awful game is at least interesting to pick apart and talk about in the same way that a great one is, too. But Kong: Survivor Instinct is just dull from start to finish. There’s nothing to talk about, from its non-existent story to its lifeless gameplay.

No. I tell a lie. There is one interesting decision that Kong: Survivor Instinct makes, and that’s to barely feature Kong and the rest of the monsters. It’s such a peculiar choice to base a game on an IP that is built around giant monsters causing carnage and barely use said monsters. To have the rampaging beasts as a backdrop is a bold choice in some ways, respecting the Godzilla movie heritage where the human stories were just as important as Godzilla wrecking shit. But since Kong: Survivor Instinct doesn’t even come close to nailing the human story, we’re left a boring 2.5D metroidvania where the titular ape barely ever shows up.